Besides, he doesn't stick around for long, as the priest he plays-the latest in a succession of council-appointed holy men to aid Kaulder in his fight against underworld demons-is found dead under mysterious circumstances. True, one of the most respected actors alive should not be in a witch-hunting movie, but Michael Caine's been in worse, and he seems to be enjoying himself, so let him be. This leads nicely to present-day New York, where witches live in secret and Diesel gets to call a Knight of the British Empire "kid." He's cornering the Witch Queen with his tribe of hunters, but just before he slays her, the queen curses Kaulder with eternal life-that bug Blake Lively also came down with earlier this year. We first meet Diesel's Kaulder eight centuries ago, storming a remote witch cave in animal skins and a bald-and-bearded facial style that would look pretty good on Andy Samberg.
Any sort of variation in pitch would ruin the fun. Not Diesel-this is an actor who knows he's at his most entertaining when he's growling something of epic resolve in his rustic man-cave of a voice.
Some action heroes take themselves too seriously, or think they're making popcorn fun when they're really filleting us with endless rounds of ammunition. Thankfully, the Fast & Furious star has an admirable commitment to the preposterous. This one is modeled after-what else?-Diesel's Dungeons & Dragons character. These are just some of the absurdities that await us in the cheeseball funhouse of The Last Witch Hunter, the latest Diesel-run action franchise starter. How about a musclebound beefcake detecting magic by fogging up a window with his breath as though he were a really, really serious five-year-old? We must cherish these sights and remember their dumb charms, hold them close like jewels, lest they slip from our fingers in the geyser of unmemorably dumb stuff in our current day and age. Or an ancient stone door in a sleek Manhattan luxury apartment that can only be opened with what looks like a high school class ring. Vin Diesel popping an evil bug out of Michael Caine's face like a zit, for example. There are some cinematic images which, if we were unable to appreciate them for their silliness, would make us fall into a pit of despair about the state of entertainment. Scott Garfield/Courtesy of Lionsgate Films Vin Diesel as Kaulder in a scene from The Last Witch Hunter.
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